Those who find themselves in the role of caregiver for their parents or other older family members often feel vaguely or acutely guilty. Frequently they feel that they just are not doing enough, or well enough, even when they have put their own lives on hold to provide care for someone they love.
If you are caring for an aging relative, you may also feel guilt arising for a number of different reasons.
Resentment for personal time lost – It is completely normal to be resentful when you’re missing so much of life because you’re focused on taking care of someone else. And it is difficult not to feel guilty for this resentment.
Unresolved issues – Many times, there are issues stemming from childhood/young adult conflicts with parents that hinder the caregiving process.
Comparing yourself to others – Some caregivers may look at others in similar situations and think they could never achieve what someone else did, with apparent grace and effortlessness.
Knowing placement is inevitable – There can be tremendous guilt involved when a caregiver anticipates moving a parent to assisted living or a nursing home.
Dealing with your own problems – You may be dealing with your own personal or health problems, which can severely complicate your caregiving responsibilities.
If you are feeling even twinges of guilt around your caregiving role, there are some suggestion ways to help you handle it.
Acknowledge the guilt – It is normal to feel guilty from time to time. Once you acknowledge and accept it, you will be able to manage it better.
Look at the big picture – Although you may be stressed with a particular situation now, it will not last forever. Consider the real sacrifices you make for your aging relative and realize that you are doing the best you can.
Accept that you are human and have flaws – All of us make mistakes from time to time. Some of us may be good at the physical aspects of caregiving, while others may be better able to handle the emotional toll. Celebrate your strengths and don not focus on the negative.
Make time for yourself – This is easier said than done, but it is a must. Even if it is just an hour or two a week, go out and have coffee with a friend, catch a movie, go for a walk, or just curl up and read a book.
Deal with unresolved issues or accept them for what they are – You may be taking care of someone whom you resent, perhaps for good reason. You may be able to resolve those feelings from the past so you can provide whole-hearted care. If that is not possible, it may be better to allow someone else to provide the necessary care. Either way, your past with the person needing care is something you should consider seriously. If necessary, talk with a professional to help you reach the best decision for both you and your aging relative.
Reach out for support from family and friends – Ask specific people for specific help to share the burden. When people offer help, accept it. Find caregiver support groups to share and work through feelings of inadequacy and guilt. Know that you are not alone. Most of all, never forget you are doing the best you can in difficult circumstances.
Bill Jenks owns Home Instead Senior Care, which provides non-medical home care throughout Cumberland County. He is also Chairman of the Board of Directors for the Alzheimer’s Association, Maine Chapter.